mboost-dp1
Det skal ikke være så kedeligt, det hele :-)
Dette er den officielle vittigheds-tråd! Skulle du have en lille vittighed, som du mener bør deles med newz-folket, så er det her. Det er naturligvis oplagt, hvis vittigheden er af nørdet karakter, men bestemt ikke et krav. Jeg lægger ud:
En amerikaner, en russer og en dansker mødes til en forretningsmiddag på en af byens finere restauranter. Umiddelbart før forretten høres en ringetone, som fra en mobiltelefon.
Amerikaneren løfter sin hånd op til hovedet og stikker tommelfingeren i øret og lillefingeren foran munden. De andre lytter mundlamme med, mens amerikaneren "snakker i telefon". Efter endt samtale, spørger de to andre:
"Hvad pokker skete der dér?"
Amerikaneren forklarede, at alle rigmænd i USA havde fået indopereret en højttaler i tommelfingeren og en mikrofon i lillefingeren. Det var meget nemmere end at gå rundt med en mobiltelefon. De andre nikkede samtykkende og fortsatte med forretten, der nu endelig var kommet.
Efter forretten lød endnu en ringetone, denne gang dog anderledes end første gang. Russeren begyndte at tale ud i den blå luft alt imens resten af selskabet målløse lyttede med.
Bagefter forklarede russeren, at alle rigmænd i Rusland havde fået indopereret en mikrofon i munden og en højttaler i øret, for det var meget nemmere end at rende rundt med en mobiltelefon. De andre nikkede samtykkende og fortsatte med hovedretten, som var ankommet under telefonsamtalen.
Selskabet snakker forretninger og hygger sig, og midt under desserten begynder danskeren at sige lyde, som var han på toilettet, "Hmmmmpff! Hmmmpfhh! Ahhhh!". De andre kigger foraget på ham og beder ham holde op. Det er jo ulækkert her midt under maden!
Danskeren trækker vejret og lægger an til endnu en presselyd, mens han svarer: "Undskyld, men der er en fax på vej.."
En amerikaner, en russer og en dansker mødes til en forretningsmiddag på en af byens finere restauranter. Umiddelbart før forretten høres en ringetone, som fra en mobiltelefon.
Amerikaneren løfter sin hånd op til hovedet og stikker tommelfingeren i øret og lillefingeren foran munden. De andre lytter mundlamme med, mens amerikaneren "snakker i telefon". Efter endt samtale, spørger de to andre:
"Hvad pokker skete der dér?"
Amerikaneren forklarede, at alle rigmænd i USA havde fået indopereret en højttaler i tommelfingeren og en mikrofon i lillefingeren. Det var meget nemmere end at gå rundt med en mobiltelefon. De andre nikkede samtykkende og fortsatte med forretten, der nu endelig var kommet.
Efter forretten lød endnu en ringetone, denne gang dog anderledes end første gang. Russeren begyndte at tale ud i den blå luft alt imens resten af selskabet målløse lyttede med.
Bagefter forklarede russeren, at alle rigmænd i Rusland havde fået indopereret en mikrofon i munden og en højttaler i øret, for det var meget nemmere end at rende rundt med en mobiltelefon. De andre nikkede samtykkende og fortsatte med hovedretten, som var ankommet under telefonsamtalen.
Selskabet snakker forretninger og hygger sig, og midt under desserten begynder danskeren at sige lyde, som var han på toilettet, "Hmmmmpff! Hmmmpfhh! Ahhhh!". De andre kigger foraget på ham og beder ham holde op. Det er jo ulækkert her midt under maden!
Danskeren trækker vejret og lægger an til endnu en presselyd, mens han svarer: "Undskyld, men der er en fax på vej.."
hvad er forskellen på en menstruationsramt kvinde og en terrorrist?
- Terrorristen kan du snakke til ro...
- Terrorristen kan du snakke til ro...
Okay.
Den her er direkte og meget skamløst sakset fra AM. jokes. men den er nu fed:
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a
cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business… Now give me back my dog.”
Den her er direkte og meget skamløst sakset fra AM. jokes. men den er nu fed:
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a
cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business… Now give me back my dog.”
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
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